What I Want

Women typically act out of guilt, obligation, and responsibility. We do things to please others. We self-sabotage because we love someone. Has anyone ever considered doing whatever you want in the absence of guilt, shame, obligation, or responsibility?

I have grown up using my thoughts against myself. I have wept in a closet many times so that family won't hear me cry or pity me. It's just me controlling the narrative because I want others to view me the way I prefer. Strong, but, actually I was weak and hurting. I have blamed myself for my mother's unhappiness and hated myself. I have looked in the mirror called myself a monster because I felt shame.

You know, Parents and society are the constant reminders that we have to do or want something for a reason. In their defense, they might see this form of brainwashing as humbling someone.

I don't need a reason to do anything. But, I also realize that some women have the privilege to say that without remorse or fear. As a black, it is bittersweet.

In reality, I have to know what I want. Deep Deep Down, I know my desires. But, I have distanced myself from thoughts and wishes I'd like to bring to fruition. I am not talking about whether or not I should work out three times a week. I'm digging more past the surface level; dreams and visions of the world I want to live in, a life that I want to live, a future I will create.

Red Herrings: a logical fallacy; in other words, deception. Why lie to ourselves? Why do we distract our hearts and minds from the truth? Is it because we don't think we deserve it? I judge what I want. I judge others for what they want. I even judge those for what they have. I demand justification for my desires. I, "It's not possible." Ladies, we are actively gaslighting ourselves. If you don't know what that means, it is to manipulate someone and make them question their sanity. "Am I crazy for wanting this?" We sum it up as being confused or not knowing what we want.

I have been at this fork in the road for quite some time now. The division. The awakening. The decision to listen to my voice or act out of guilt, obligation, and responsibility. I remember telling myself that I am a pretender who imprisons the little girl inside a cage. I hide and tuck her away because of fear of failure, success, opinion. The fear of living my best life and accomplishing my dreams and goals. I can't hear her voice. It's just quiet. And, if you can't hear your own voice, it's because you have been drowning it out for so long.

So, what now? I ask myself. According to the podcast, Unf*ck Your Brain Hosted by Kara Loewentheil, we (women) must practice hearing and listen to our voices. It's about time I got to know myself for who I really am. I hate I didn't get the chance to explore during college. So, my New Year's Resolution is to discover Jasmine and not buy my B*llsh*t My goal is to start small with little goals and aspirations. I realize I have been wasting my time, and I can't control what others think or feel. I HAVE TO DO WHAT'S BEST FOR ME. And, it's ok if I'm not ready yet.

I'm going to buy those roses or whatever flower catches my eye. I won't wait on a fairytale prince or man to romance me. Instead, I will romance and love myself the way I deserve to be loved. And I will keep posting blogs. If no one reads them, OH WELL. Life is unpredictable and time waits for no one. My wishes will be granted. Do you know what you want?