Hi, This is Difficult...Well a Little

To anyone who is reading this blog, I will not apologize for sounding sorry for myself. This is my new way of coping. I genuinely like to journal in a fancy book but today I decided to talk to you all.

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I am stuck and I don't have the courage to pull myself out of this place of stillness. I have been battling with Imposter syndrome for a long time. As a recent college graduate, I hoped my creative career journey would start immediately but I am working a full-time job in the hospitality industry. Bummer. My last few months, as a senior were exciting and kinda scary. The last week of October I completed my Senior Project. My idea was to re-create a modern-day biblical story. That photoshoot was epic. And, I thank all those who worked with me to make that vision reality. It was the happiest moment of my life. Literally, I'm smiling right now. After graduating in November, I went directly into finding some form of work. I was broke and needed to survive. I'm still broke with a full-time job, apartment, new car, and my first-ever boyfriend.

I tried Target so many times, they were hiring seasonal workers for $15 an hour. I desperately wanted to work there but Target didn't even want a recent graduate. But here is the crazy ironic thing, I got hired to work with an independent vendor in Target selling internet, phone services, and some tech. I even went to training at the wrong location and almost decided to keep the opportunity. But, on the drive to the correct location, I couldn't' understand why Target wouldn't hire me and a sales/commission-based company did. Honestly, I couldn't accept the offer. I couldn't accept that the people in red shirts that barely talk to customers get paid more than me. I thought the work was much tougher. Standing and talking to people about phone plans and internet services and trying to fix the issue whatever issue just sounded worthless. I don't hate people in this profession but it's not my profession. And, I'm not lazy. My mother's and grandmother's generation would probably think so.

This year, I went to a housekeeper interview and tried that for a few days until the boss lady let me go. I thought cleaning other people's homes was fun but tiring. Then, I went to a job fair at a hotel and got hired on the spot. I was looking pretty professional and had on heels. Fast forward to today, I am still with this job. I'm just gaining the experience. But, I am tired of not being in an environment where I get to be myself and creative. I am tired of just trying to survive. It feels like I am barely making it.

When does my life begin? And, what is my purpose or calling? I can't step out of the ordinary and be extraordinary. I do creative projects here and there. I even work with a local boutique. But, life still has not begun. Everything is slow and each step is an agony, a pain. I do my best to bury my insecurities and desires under just surviving. Evening surviving has become a burden. Watching Tik Toks or scrolling through Instagram is mentally draining but I need the entertainment to carry on. I want to be a content creator, stylist, interior decorator, fashion journalist, youtube star, and more. There are so many things on my list, I just don't know where to begin. Here's the catch, I always help the next person before I start my own. I always know what's best for them but couldn't make a simple decision as to which couch to purchase. Creating my home has been emotionally and financially difficult. Your girl is going through it all.

I JUST NEED TO KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN AND WHAT IS THE PROJECT.

Let's hope and pray I get out of this rut and make life-changing decisions that will get me on track cuz my pockets are hurting and I can't afford to buy trendy clothes for the Winter season.